Obsessed

For scores of years a truism has set in and reached the status of proverb, at least in the popular sense.  Specifically:  “Learn to love yourself so that you can love others.”  As a child I remember hearing various pastors say that this is what Jesus meant by “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Both as a young boy and now as a grown man the obvious discrepancy has not been reconciled.  The objects of the commanded actions are distinctly different: 

1. Love yourself
2. Love others

The claimed reconciliation says that by doing #1 you necessarily end up with #2.  But that is rubbish, because when pressed even a little, those who make the claim back peddle with something like, “it doesn't mean being self absorbed or self centered.”  And more could be said, but the net result remains.  Those two statements are not equivalent until the words are tinkered with.

It has taken me far too long—experience is a sure but slow teacher—to discover the element of truth that resonates with both.  “Stop obsessing over yourself!”  A moment’s thought will show two versions of self-absorbing obsession.  One is the proverbial neurotic who is constantly down on himself, always in fear that he will fail, that he’s inadequate.  The other is the proverbial brat who seems really to think that the world revolves around him, that his needs and wants are the most important things.  Now to the first, the neurotic, we are tempted to say, “knock it off, learn to love yourself!”  But what do we say to the second, the brat?  Why aren't we tempted to say, “knock it off, learn to hate yourself!”  To us in these modern times this latter would sound not only absurd, but positively harmful.  This is a mistake.  Throughout Christian history we do find such statements.  Just look in the new testament: 

• This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.  1 Tim1:15 NKJV
• And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ Luke 18:13 NKJV
• Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Phil. 2:3 NKJV
• God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.  James 4:6

Here is a famous prayer from Saint Ephraim the Syrian, from the 7th century but well loved and often used today:

Lord and master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, meddling, lust of power and idle talk.  But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience and love to thy servant.  Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own sin and not to judge my brother.  For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages.

Also well known is the Te Deum which ends this way:

Vouchsafe, O Lord, to keep us this day without sin. 

O Lord, have mercy upon us. 

O Lord, let Thy mercy lighten upon us: as our trust is in Thee. 

O Lord, in Thee have I trusted: let me never be confounded.

The prayers and admonitions have mostly followed suit from the tax collector in the parable of Luke 18; we should humble ourselves before God in full awareness of our shortcomings, sins, and failings.  The ubiquity of this response suggests that the illness historically tended to be self-obsession of the brat variety,  or self aggrandizement.

The neurotic variety of self-obsession seems to have received less prominent.  But the ancient world did know about it, and saw it  as an excessive fear of men, contrasting it to the virtue of fearing God.  A common phrase for this is “man pleasing.”  We call it self-hate, and it is self obsession, also called self pity.  Perhaps the two clearest examples from the Bible are Saul and Judas.

     When Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David, and that Michal, 

     Saul’s daughter, loved him, then Saul was even more afraid of David.  

     Thus Saul was David’s enemy continually.  (1 Sam 18:28,29 NASB)

This theme repeats in the episodes of Saul’s kingship, where he asserts his position as King only to regret it.  It’s this that led to the famous time he snuck off to consult the “witch of Endor” breaking his own capital prohibition in desperation.   It resonates strongly with what Judas did.

     Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, 

     he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests 

     and elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.”  But they 

     said, “What is that to us?  See to that yourself!”  And he threw the pieces 

     of silver into the sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged 

     himself.”  (Matt. 27:3-5 NASB)

Both Saul and Judas reached that point of both total self-reliance and insecurity, believing themselves to be irrevocably weighed down by catastrophic failure.  It was downhill from there.

So what did the ancients prescribe for self hate?  To be sure it was not “learn to love yourself!” Rather they would have said, in essence, “look beyond yourself.”

• Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  (Matt. 26:41 NASB)
• Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  (2 Cor. 12:9 NASB)

The firm presence of “love yourself” in our lexicon attests to a wide experience of self hate.  I equate self hate with an excessive grief over personal failings.  And about that we have Saint Theophan (Unseen Warfare, Ch 4,19th century):

     If, when they grieve at their downfall/, reproaching and abusing 

     themselves for it, they think:  “I shall do this and that, the consequences

     of my downfall will be effaced and all will be well once more,” this is a

     sure sign that before the downfall they trusted themselves, instead of

     trusting God.  And the more gloomy and disconsolate their grief, the

     more it shows that they relied too much on themselves and too little on

     God; and therefore the grief caused by their downfall is not tempered

     by any comfort. (Unseen Warfare, Ch 4)

So the ancients knew about what we call self hate, and knew it to be an effect of pride.  Pride accounts both for the brat and the neurotic.  The remedy for both is, essentially the same.

Stop obsessing over yourself!

If they could only get over that, then the possibility follows:  Look beyond yourself!  And from both God and neighbor come into view.