The Embrace of Marriage
I
am re-reading for at least the 4th time The Four Loves, by C. S. Lewis.
Once again I met the chapter on Affection, bathing in the warm embrace
of this love’s character, happily recalling times in my past where Affection
held me close, but sometimes aching from memories when Affection seemed sorely
absent. This love wears a humble shape
while yet causing relationships to glow from within. But without missing a beat, Lewis draws the
painful figures of misused Affection, and of the hurt brought on when this love
turns dark. As he does with each of the
loves, Lewis shows in detail that Affection “…having become a god, becomes a
demon.[1]”
In
current culture the relationship bond between a man and woman sits at center of
our vision of the good, full, and happy life.
For as long as I can remember every influence held out hope for me to find
the one special person, the “soul mate,” the one who would somehow make
everything make sense. Every genre of
music, literature, and visual arts, drips with this message. Only now, in this 4th time
through, do I realize this message emanates not from Eros, but from Affection. “Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of
whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our natural lives.[2]”
Lewis
describes Affection’s qualities as manifest through the familiar and
comfortable. And it’s this very dynamic
at work with unmarried couples who move in together. Although unwilling to commit to the
permanence of marriage, they nevertheless want the assurance of familiarity
that simply arises out of regularly encountering each other. Affection, Lewis assures us, can do that,
even between persons who have little cause to like each other!
Many
a woman of just such a living arrangement will complain about her boyfriend,
much the same way as a married woman complains about the habits of her
husband. But the woman who is a wife has
a very different footing. She complains
about a man whom she knows she will accept.
Conversely the live-in on some level remains in a prolonged risk
assessment, “Do I really want to put up with this? Is this a sign that he’s not the one for me? That I’m
not the one for him?” In short, the live-in isn’t building on a
foundation, but questioning whether or not one exists! Each of these proverbial women has real
affection for her man, but two very different varieties. Affection of marriage comes as cultivated
fruit; that of the live-in works more like a web, where the longer it weaves
the harder it is to escape.
So
here are opposite sides of the milestone that is a wedding. On the side leading up to it, eyes make it
either end or a beginning. Those who see
it as an end align their decisions and motivations to arrive. Those who see it as a beginning see farther. Pre-marital cohabitation aims to arrive at the
wedding. Pre-marital abstinence prepares
for a journey. The one wants a mature
Affection before marriage, perhaps on the theory that such Affection is what
will make the marriage last. The other
sees the building of Affection as the shared work of a lifetime. The one depends on an existing bond of
Affection; the other commits to establishing and increasing that bond. The two perspectives couldn’t be more
different.
In
order to make good on that marital commitment “till death do us part” the
marriage ought not to be based in fear.
The perspective that sees marriage as an end fears the deterioration of its
achievement, poisoning the well before the drink. The perspective that sees a beginning sees
instead a learning curve. When setbacks
come, they really can be embraced as learning situations. The struggles within such learning
situations, themselves forge the bonds of Affection. To find the Affection so many of us
desperately crave, we must embrace the struggle, and meet it with a will
committed to making the best of it, and of ourselves. And this, you see, is why the marital
commitment comes before the marriage, and why this improves the odds of
reaching long years with a mature Affection which itself embraces the husband
and wife.
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